[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
You have been warned.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I falcon love using swear birds
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!