HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I’m being attacked 😭
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.