Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.