Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
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[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.