My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
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guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
the saddest jazz hands ever
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake