My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
You Might Also Like
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“A little help here, Danny?”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.