My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
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Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.