“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
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Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
He’s dead
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.