*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
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I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]