I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
You Might Also Like
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.