job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
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Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Saw your ex at the shops
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Care for your back
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
just left a huge legacy in there
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?