The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
You Might Also Like
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.