The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
good work, detective
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis