If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Sharon I have some bad news
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”