I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
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ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO