The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
constantly working on myself.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.