Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
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*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce