My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I like donuts.
Twitter:
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”