thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me trying to walk in a dream
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.