Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination