(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Mountain Goat : )
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.