Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
You Might Also Like
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
kevin is now a local weatherman
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies