2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
The pen is writier than the sword.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I don’t know what to do
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.