me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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Love is in the air fryer.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.