CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
You Might Also Like
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
i can’t wait that long
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Duolingo getting serious.
accurate
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
kevin is now a local weatherman
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Why is this me 😫