Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame