Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes