When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
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Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Raisins are grape jerky.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?