Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”