On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
mentally somewhere in italy
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?