Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*