[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
😂🤣😂🤣
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.