Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
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My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT