Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.