[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”