Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
me irl
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.