West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I am HOWLING at this
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.