Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
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ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you