[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
pat pat
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters