My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Hmm, not sure about this change
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
How your email finds me
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?