advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.