when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
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My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.