Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.