“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.