Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
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Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids