#MeanwhileInCanada
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When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
every single time
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Guilty! 🤪
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols