if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.