*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
You Might Also Like
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
technically true but not a great slogan
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.