Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.