I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
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My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today